Tuesday, December 4, 2012

2012 Holiday Gift Guide

Dear Reader,

As the holidays approach we all become a bit busy, a bit overtaxed, generally a bit panicked about finding just the right gift for the people on our lists.  Many of us turn to online gift giving guides compiled by tastemakers to ensure your friends and loved ones get exactly what they want.  I've perused these lists myself and while overpriced used tablecloths and granny-style wallets that cost more than you've actually got in the wallet may be your thing, they're not mine.  But don't fear.  I will be happy with almost anything you get for me.  Almost.  Here is a list of things I do not want for Christmas this year, just in case you've got them in your cart and are threatening to push the trigger and click "Order Now."  I think I can speak not only for me, but for all of us when I say that these gifts will not be appreciated, rather promptly handed back to you with a shove toward the door and a "see you next year."

2012 Holiday Gift Guide

This is not an appropriate stocking stuffer.  Nor is it an appropriate food source.  What's it for?  
Hot Dogs?  Yuck.

This ruffled table runner from Pottery Barn can double as a petticoat.  You know, for all the Colonial Times reenactments you like to do in your free time.  Plus, it's got wings.

Hopefully this "Row Boat Salad Bowl" aka "Pi Patel's Fantasy Lifeboat" doesn't float, so when I throw it in the lake I won't have to see it anymore.

Now I know you are thinking, Heather you've gone too far.  Nobody in their right mind would give you a snake for Christmas!  That's absurd.  Well, as a matter of fact this is exactly what a friend gave me one year for my birthday.  Okay fine, it was a ribbon snake and not a boa constrictor as pictured, but really, what's the difference?

Alpaca Hot Water Bottle Cover?  No thanks.  I'd prefer the $96.00 this thing costs.

I don't work at a desk, and this "Tabletop Zen Rock Garden" would look pretty strange on my kitchen table.  The worst part about this gift is that I gave it to my father one year.

Oh sure, I'd love to hang this calendar on my wall for an entire year so that every day I could not only see what the date is, but also be reminded of how lonely and sad is my life, and how those hot royals would probably be mean, or worse, totally indifferent to me if I were to meet them, say at the grocery store, or while waiting for the school bus.

What DO I want for Christmas you ask?  I am desperate for some linen hand towels.  Plain, white linen hand towels with nothing printed on them, onto which I can print something of my own choosing.  Should be easy enough, right?  If you can find them, or even just send me a link to where I can buy them for myself, I will be your absolute best friend.