Thursday, July 28, 2011

Consolation Pie

Dear Reader,

This weekend I had the good fortune to attend the Loudoun County Fair in beautiful Leesburg, VA.  I love a good fair, and the county variety is even better than the State Fair if you ask me.  See for yourself:

This was a big disappointment, obviously, but led to a lengthy discussion about whether they actually made cars out of outhouses or just picked them up and carried them, and whether they used modern Port-a-Potties or actual outhouses.  If anyone can enlighten, please do so!

I was all puckered up, but there were no pigs in sight, unless you count the man that was trying to sell me new gutters for my roof while staring at my breasts.

This boy bred and raised that dwarf goat on his farm all by himself, which is pretty awesome.  He's got seventeen of them, and this goat's name is William, so if you ever see him you can say hello.

Now you know.

The pig barn wasn't called "PORK BARN," and the chicken barn wasn't called, "NUGGET BARN."  Not fair.

Here my son is feeding a baby beef with a bottle.

Not sure what this is supposed to be, but I'm guessing there wasn't much competition.

Here is a slutty Barbie cake, I guess.

Yellow cake with Lego?  It is only fitting this cake got a yellow ribbon, because it is so extremely YELLOW.

These blueberries were massive.  In my opinion they were ROBBED. 

You should have seen the first place plate of dirt.  Amazing.

Prize winning photo of two old people in a car.  Clearly I know nothing about fine photography, because I wouldn't have even bothered to print this one.

Miss Loudoun County Fair was in the bathroom putting on some eyeliner.  She was mad at her boyfriend for missing her crowning, which is totally justified.  She was talking to her friend whose cake didn't win any ribbons.  The friend didn't realize that the judges were actually going to taste the cake, which inspired the following recipe, because whether it's a game show, bake off or the Miss America pageant, someone has to be number two.  For those occasions when you are not the lucky winner, I offer you this delicious Consolation Pie. Enjoy.

Consolation Pie

You will need:
3 1/2 cups flour
1 cup Confectioner's Sugar
1 cup + 2 Tbs. cold butter, cut into cubes
zest of one lemon
2 eggs
Splash of milk
Nectarines, lots of them
More flour
Brown Sugar

First off, you are NOT a loser, do you hear me?  Unless of course you were dead last, in which case you are absolutely a loser.  In a food processor, whiz up the flour, powdered sugar, butter, lemon zest, eggs and milk until coarse crumbs have formed the way they form in your bed when you eat cookies late at night when nobody can see you. Form into a ball, or the shape of the trophy you will never win, cover with plastic wrap and stick it in the fridge for a bit.

Meanwhile, peel the nectarines and cut them into eighths or quarters if you're really lazy, while you contemplate the fact that if you weren't so lazy you might have actually won whatever it was you were trying to win.  Mix them in a bowl with blueberries and throw in some flour, brown sugar and cinnamon.  Get out a pie plate and smoosh half of the dough into the bottom of the pan, not bothering to make it look pretty, because nobody really expects perfection from you.  Dump the fruit in the pie dish.  Roll out the rest of the dough, or just sit on it to make it flat.  Whatever.  Who cares?  Put the dough on top of the fruit, brush it with an egg wash, sprinkle on some more sugar, and stick it in the oven at 300 degrees for about 45 minutes.  Either eat the pie, or stick your own face in it to save others the trouble.  Time yourself while eating, because it is never too late to enter pie eating contests.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Hey Tucson! Wassup?

I got a little love from a chap named Larry Cox in Tucson. Not THAT kind of love, you dirty bird... even though it is implied in his name... See for yourself!