Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Eclipse is only 21 days away...

In honor of the upcoming release of Eclipse, I wanted to share with you the latest results from my favorite time waster, seeing what I look like with other people's hair, which is what I did while watching The Today Show this morning.

Hello Bella, I love your hoodie. Do you like my fitted sport coat?

I don't know, Edward.  I just want you inside me. This is torture. Don't make me wait for the next movie.  It's too long!

Don't even think about it, bloodsuker. 

Who let the dogs out?

If you even imagine making her one of you, I will eat you alive.  Right after I tie my pants to my leg with a little strap. Aarrrrrrrrrf.

Would you guys cut it out already? I'm going home to stare out my window and listen to Muse.

Hi there guyth! I'm Drew. I'll hang out with you while the's gone. Letth party!

It is a pleasure to meet you, Drew.  However, you don't smell very good to me.

She smells pretty good to me. Perhaps she would like to accompany me on a peace keeping mission to Africa. I would only require that she takes my six children out for fast food and ice cream three times per day, and to alert the media when I am going to be with my children, so they can take photos.

OMG Africa? Like, I totally love everybody, but I'm not sure I want to go to Africa! Will they appreciate my new 1950'th look? I'm like a bombthell!

I was alive in the 1950's and you, ma'am, are not 1950s.

Can we just keep focused on me? God!

Sorry, Bella.

Yes, I'm so very sorry.

Whatever. Where's Renesmee?


Renesmee. Our daughter.

That's not until the next book.  I read them on the plane to Somalia.

Wait. We have a daughter and you name her... Renesmee?

Yeah. So what?

Seriously?  And I'm cool with that?

Yeah. Whatever Edward. I don't have time for this.

Renethmee ith like a really lame-o name!

I agree with Drew.  I'm sorry Bella. I'm just not that into you anymore.

Renesmee sounds HOT.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Lovely Day Strawberry Tart

Dear Reader,

Today was gorgeous.  I realize I have been remiss in creating recipes for you to enjoy on lovely days such as this, so I offer you a delicious and super easy tart that I made for dessert tonight.  Enjoy!

Lovely Day Strawberry Tart

You will need

1 Day
Lots of sleep
Perfect Weather
A nice place in which to live - can be a vibrant city or the fruited plain
Farm or farmer's market
9 Graham crackers
10 almonds
1/2 cup oats
3 Tbs. light brown sugar
5 Tbs. melted butter
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup Mascarpone
1/3 cup whipping cream
1/4 cup sugar
1 quart strawberries
2 Tbs. Sherry
2 Tbs. Jam
Comfy pants

Begin your lovely day by waking to birds chirping on a clear, crisp morning.  Go for a run along a river.  Head to the farmer's market and pick yourself up a quart of strawberries.  At home, put graham crackers, almonds, oats and brown sugar into a food processor and turn it on while you strum songs by John Denver on the guitar.  Pick the songs that don't use any B chords, cause those are too dang hard for this lovely day!  Pour in the butter and vanilla and whiz it all up, making silly whizzing sounds as you do.

Heat your oven to 350 degrees, and press the crust into a tart shell.  Bake for ten minutes or until as golden brown as your tanned shoulders.  Meanwhile, clean strawberries and place them in a bowl.  In an adorable little saucepan simmer the Sherry and the jam (I used strawberry cause that was all I had, and it's all good) until it is syrupy.  Pour it over the berries.

Take a little time out to enjoy some porn with someone you like.  Or, if you'd rather, someone you just met online, in the elevator, or at the farmer's market.

Whip up the Mascarpone, cream, and sugar and spread it into the tart shell.  Top with berries and place in the fridge.

Put on your comfiest pants, sit on the couch in front of the television - I am enjoying Antiques Roadshow.  Pour a cocktail, such as a Greyhound, into a gigantic glass, and dig in.