Friday, May 7, 2010

Ben's Jury Duty Jambalaya

Dear Reader,

I have had a special request for a recipe from my friend Ben, who writes the very informative and hilarious B-Side Blog.  He's a wonderful cook and all around great guy who is currently doing time.  He writes:

I'm too lazy to actually get out of my chair and open your cook book, but do you have a recipe for jury duty?

Poor Ben is in municipal court.  If you're going to be on a jury, you should hope for a nice juicy murder trial, or an assault case like the one I adjudicated last year which inspired this recipe.  Shout out to my fellow jurors!  Woot woot!  NOT GUILTY!

I digress... So Ben, here it is, just for you and those also doing their civic duty.  Enjoy!

Ben's Jury Duty Jambalaya

You will need:

12 medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cubed
2 Tbs. olive oil
1 Tbs. Creole seasoning
1/2 onion, chopped
1 green pepper, chopped
2 ribs celery, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 tomatoes, chopped
3 bay leaves
1 Tbs. red chille, minced
Dash Worcestershire sauce
3/4 cup rice
Money for lunch
3 cups chicken stock
1 cup sliced Andouille sausage

The night before reporting for jury duty, put the shrimp and chicken in a large bowl and massage the seasoning into the meat.  Also massage your butt muscles because they are going to get a good workout sitting around all day tomorrow.  Heat the oil in large pan and saute the onion, pepper and celery until as soft as the pillow you are going to be wishing for tomorrow when the extreme fatigue sets in around two o'clock.  Add the tomatoes, chillies and Worcestershire sauce.  Add an extra few glugs of oil in honor of the Gulf Coast.  Now stir in your rice and add the broth a little at a time.  Turn the heat down and let it simmer until the liquid has been absorbed.  This should take about fifteen minutes, which is the exact amount of time you are permitted to use for bathroom breaks, if you employ the chronic diarrhea defense.  When cooked, add in the chicken and shrimp.  While this cooks practice saying the following:

"I don't have a prejudice against the Portuguese, but I do have one against LAWYERS.  Especially mealy mouthed DEFENSE ATTORNEYS.  I HATE THEM!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Woof woof."

"Sorry, I'm so hungover, was out all night doing meth with my mom.  Could you repeat the question?"

"What is she accused of?  OMG  That totally happened to me, too!"

"What do I do for my job?  I write a blog, and hence feel compelled to relate to the world the events of each and every day as they occur to me.  I write it all down.  Sometimes as funny recipes.  And I always use real names."

When the shrimp and chicken are cooked, take one shrimp and wrap it neatly in its very own tin foil FEMA house.  Put it all into a thermos, with the special shrimp on top.  Once at jury duty, open the thermos and let the heady aroma waft throughout the room, handily keeping people from sitting too near. Vow that in five years time, you will simply toss the jury summons in the garbage like everyone else does.